Volume 11, 2007

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Featured Topic: Feedback – Compliments and Corrections

Inside This Issue

Corrections That Get Results

If you are like most people, you have been guilty of getting frustrated with someone’s behavior and correcting them while you are in a negative emotional state. This can happen at home, in the workplace, or with our friends. After such an outburst occurs, you probably feel guilty. To add insult to injury, the other person may not have owned any responsibility or changed their behavior.

It is time for a change. Change the way you correct and see a change in their behavior. The first rule of correction is never correct when you are feeling angry or frustrated. Since motion changes emotion, take a quick walk or close your door and punch air. Closing your eyes will increase relaxation by 20%. Take a deep breath.

Once you are calmer, do your homework. Gather the facts. Gather feedback from those who observed the incidence and remain neutral and objective. Remember that you are looking for the facts, not speculation or rumor. If you hear judgmental statements, ask, “What information do you have that led you to that conclusion?”

Now that you have a reasonable sense of what happened, talk to the person who is at the center of the incident. Let them know in advance that you will have this discussion so they can come prepared. From the very beginning of this meeting, begin with a Start Probe (an open question that begins with ‘how’ or ‘what’) that allows them to talk about the incident. Please do not try to butter them up or compliment them about other tasks before you lower the boom. Just ask the question. Examples may be, “What happened this morning when you called Mr. Smith?”  “What are the reasons you missed the sales call today?”

Listen to their response completely. Refrain from interrupting either with your words or your body language. Realize that you may not like the answer that you get. Perhaps you will learn nothing new and maybe you will be surprised at what you hear. Whatever is said, make sure that you hear it. You can ask additional questions to clarify understanding.

The next step in correcting is to tell the person the consequence of the action.  Put this in factual form such as, “Raising your voice at a customer can lose the confidence and good will we have worked to established. If this happens again, according to company policy, this will be documented in your performance review.”

The final step in correcting is to ask the individual another Start Probe that focuses on the solutions. An example might be, “What will you do the next time that a customer is seemingly condescending to you?”

This three step process, Ask, Tell, Ask, has a definite purpose. Ask first to give them an opportunity to be heard. Tell, because that is the part that identifies the behavior that needs to stop. Ask again in order to include the individual in the solution process. If they contribute to the solution, they are more likely to carry it out.

Some change is good. Change the way you correct and realize the change in behavior in the other person.

What Our Clients Are Saying

It was one of the best talks I have ever heard. I bought the book “Talk Is Not Cheap” and finished my first reading during the flight to California!

Guru Rao, Avila Beach CA

Give Compliments That Create Change

Vincent Ivan Phipps

Remember the last time you did something really well? You anticipated a huge compliment that was oozing with appreciation and all you received was a low key, “Thanks.”

How motivated did you feel about going out and doing it again? How aware was the other person of the time, effort, and sacrifice put into it? Chances are, you felt unappreciated, and had little desire to do any more favors to that extent for the person again. But hey, they did thank you, right?

When we are on the receiving end of favors or efforts from others, we miss opportunities to make an investment in their people accounts by failing to acknowledge the importance of what they did or howthey helped us.

Behavioral science tells us that almost 7 out of 10 people will thrive off of others giving them positive feedback. What would it mean to you if you could get 70% of the people around you to be motivated, energized, and looking for more ways to do things for you?

Follow these two steps in TLC’s Informative Compliment Technique to genuinely let others know how much they are appreciated. This tool also takes the appreciation to a higher level because when this technique is used correctly, you get the other person to continue doing wonderful things for you without you having to ask them. Here’s how:

  1. Thank them with information. Instead of just saying, thanks, thank you, or I appreciate you; tell specifically what you are thanking them for such as, “Thank you for proofing my report and catching the errors.” Use their name. Look them in the eye. Give them your total attention. Be informative about what they did.
  2. Tell how their action helped. Let them know how their contributions made things easier, more efficient, saved time, reduced expenses, or just helped you have one less potential headache. “This saved me embarrassment and made our company look professional.”

Here are more examples of making good compliments better by using Informative Compliments:

Plain compliments may take you one second to say, “thank you”. With that one-second investment of time to show appreciation, what do you get? The other person doesn’t know what you are thanking them for, they don’t know what to repeat, and you get zero credit for showing you know what they did.

An Informative Compliment may take 10+ seconds. Sure Informative Compliments take a little longer but with that extra commitment of only a few seconds more, you get more in return. The other person knows exactly what they did, they know exactly how what they did made a positive difference, and perhaps most importantly, they know precisely what to repeat!

Vanilla ice cream is good. Vanilla ice cream with fudge, nuts and sprinkles is even better. Informative Compliments add the sprinkles and hot fudge and the nuts to make them even more enjoyable and more appreciated. Remember, people will continue doing the right thing when it is reinforced that the right things have rewards. Reward with words and reap the rewards!

Dear TLC

I witnessed one of my supervisors chewing out a member of his team during a regular meeting. Although I could not hear what was being said, our meetings are in glass rooms and everyone can see what’s going on. I felt so bad for the employee because so many were watching. I later found out that the employee made an expensive mistake by being careless. Although a correction was needed, I now feel I have to correct the supervisor because of how inappropriate and unprofessional the correction was handled. I know the supervisor will argue back saying he was right and the employee was wrong. How can I get my supervisor to realize how this is unacceptable behavior?

Chewed Up

Dear Chewed,

First, request to meet with the supervisor in private in a closed door and closed window setting where no one can see it. Emphasize the following:

Always correct employees in private. Since you will be in a private setting, let your supervisor know you are granting him respect by correcting him in private.  Let him know you expect him to demonstrate the same level of professional courtesy.

Also let him know you are not correcting the fact that he reprimanded the employee. Share the Ask – Tell – Ask approach with him. Practice it with the supervisor until you are comfortable he can correct in the future to your liking.

Butter Some One Up With Compliments

When was the last time you “buttered someone up”? See the article using this expression on the first page of this issue. This is a common expression we use when we relentlessly shower someone with compliments.

But what does butter have to do with this month’s theme of compliments and corrections? No need to “butter us up” to get the answer! The origin of this phrase dates back to the 1700’s in Liverpool, England where it became a common delicacy to feast on dry and toasted breads.

As royalty became more exquisite, further indulgence resulted in placing a heavy lather of butter onto foods for easier and more flavorful consumption. For dishes that did not taste as good, thick, sweet, creamy butter was spread heavily over the food. This is also where the saying originated when we over do a compliment saying, “it is being spread on pretty thick.”

When you give a compliment, avoid “buttering someone up” insincerely. For maximum appreciation, say nice things frequently on an regular basis. The next time you need to “butter someone up”, spread it on lightly, and find something sincere that they really did.

Wedding Bells

Congratulations to Vincent Phipps and his lovely wife, Benita, on their recent marriage. The happy couple exchanged vows on October 27, 2007, followed by a reception filled with entertainment of dance, song, poetry, and music.

Between and Beyond – The Covers of the Book

Therese Padgett

Talk Is NOT Cheap! Saving the High Cost of Misunderstanding at Work and Home by TLC’s CEO, Beverly Inman-Ebel, MA, CCC-SLP, contains a wealth of information between its covers.

Communication that doesn't work is expensive. It can cost your next promotion, ruin a good working relationship with your boss and co-workers, drive away your next big sale, and deeply impact your relationship with a good friend or family member. Talk Is NOT Cheap! offers a powerful toolkit to help you communicate more effectively at work and live a richer and happier personal life.

Tools that are not used are like words that fall on deaf ears. That’s why TLC allows time during its seminars and coaching sessions for participants to – participate. After all, practice does make perfection!

Beyond the covers of the book, Beverly and the other professional coaches at TLC can guide you and/or your organization through the maze of creating and maintaining a positive balance in your “people” accounts. The four principles upon which we all communicate with ourselves and with one another are summarized as the following deposits:

The topic for this month’s newsletter, “Feedback: Compliments and Corrections,” is covered under the third deposit in Chapters 13-14 in Talk Is NOT Cheap! TLC often recommends that people read this book or certain sections of the book before attending one of its seminars. And people who are given a book at a workshop report they could not put it down once they opened its pages.

"In a straightforward way, Talk Is NOT Cheap! presents simple rules for improving our communications and relationships. Examples help the reader easily understand each principle and how to use it. This handbook is destined to be a classic that will be revisited often." Kay Gilley, President of International Leadership Systems®, Author of Leading from the Heart and The Alchemy of Fear

Read between the covers of the book, Talk Is NOT Cheap! Order your copy today at https://www.talklisten.com/store/. Call 1-888-BECAUSE (you always communicate) and talk with us about what’s beyond the covers of the book.

CEO Corner

Beverly Inman-Ebel, MA, CCC-SLP

Chief Executive’s Opinion

When I think of compliments, I usually focus upon the words that I might use. As Vincent’s article stated, it is important to be informative and mention how it helped others. My recent trip to Japan has me thinking that some of the best compliments come from actions rather than words.

After my business trip to China the end of September, I flew to Japan to visit my son who is teaching English through the JET program, a program that employs young college graduates to help Japanese students learn to pronounce English. Besides children in school, he has one class of adults that meets on Wednesday evenings. They wanted to meet me, but I was not going to stay through Wednesday. They decided to host a dinner in my honor on Monday night.

My son, Tye, told me of this event and I simply thought it would be a meet and greet like so many I have attended over the years. As a speaker, I have attended more of these functions than I can remember. It is always nice, but not something to get excited about. I was in for a surprise.

When I walked in, the Japanese adult students gave me a standing ovation followed by bows. Then they presented me with flowers. They asked me to say a few words and their faces were more attentive than any audience I have ever addressed. Their smiles were radiant. Again, they bowed and told me they could now understand the reason my son was so wonderful. I have never been so touched.

These were not leaders of the community. I met many of those earlier in the day. They were ordinary people who made an ordinary woman feel extraordinary. I have thought about what they did and the reason it meant so much to me.

First, they demonstrated their respect by their actions. They honored me by their attentive listening. Granted, part of their attentiveness may have been due to trying to decipher what I was saying, although I used short phrases and simple sentences to these wonderful people who seldom hear an American speak. They were sincere in their body language and words. Probably most importantly, they complimented me on my most prized accomplishment: raising my sons with love, care, and intelligence.

I have won awards that caused my heart to race and my mouth to babble. I have been treated well at events to make my ego swell. I have never been so touched as I was on a Monday night in Yamamoto, Shikoku, Japan.

I took the opportunity to individually speak with the thirty or so people there, ranging in age from 10-86. What a blessed opportunity to be a goodwill ambassador for the United States.

The next time I truly want to honor someone, I will remember my Japanese mentors. I will still word my compliment carefully. I will also embrace them with attentive listening and fully demonstrate my respect for them as a person. We never know where our next lesson will come from. Be open to receive. Give back. Live your dreams!

TLC establishes long-term relationships with our clients. If we have helped you or if you believe our approach to change would work for someone you know, please request a proposal or phone 1-888-232-2873. We work with individuals and groups on the following subject areas: attitude, listening, body language, voice, leadership, compliments and corrections, behavioral style, teamwork, effective meetings, public speaking, accent reduction and much more!.

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